Helen Wagner

What is invisible but essential about YOU? or ESADE? or Barcelona?

Something invisible but essential about me is that I have an anxiety disorder.

In February 2010, I had my first panic attack. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Something felt off, and as I walked into the kitchen to tell my parents, my entire body went numb, my hands cramped up, and I couldn’t see anything. The next few hours were a blur.

I woke up a few hours later with an IV in my arm and my parents sitting at the end of my hospital bed. The doctor came in and explained that I had experienced a panic attack, but because I was so dehydrated, I would need some fluids before they could send me home.

For the months leading up to this moment, I had been getting sick to my stomach and often feeling lightheaded and exhausted when I had to stand or be upright for a long period of time. It wasn’t until the panic attack that I realized I had been struggling with anxiety for years.

Anxiety is defined by the Webster dictionary as, “an overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs.” What that definition doesn’t tell you is that often times you don’t know what you’re afraid of or what is triggering your anxiety. It also doesn’t tell you that the symptoms of anxiety differ from person to person often making it hard to diagnose.

In my case, anxiety presented itself in the form of feeling sick to my stomach and extreme fatigue. Common symptoms of many different types of illnesses and in my case, years of not understanding what was wrong with me.

Following my panic attack, things began to click for me. I had an answer to what was happening, and I finally had something that I could focus my attention on understanding.

Having anxiety hasn’t been easy, but it has taught me some important things. The top three things I have learned are:

1. It is okay to not be okay. There have been days that I struggle more, have a hard time going about my day or want to hide. On those days, I take a moment to listen to my body, slow down and try to be more mindful about what I’m feeling.

2. It’s important to look at situations from different perspectives. Things aren’t always how they may seem initially, and if you react too quickly, you may limit yourself from understanding more about what is happening.

3. Finding balance in life is important. Having anxiety has enabled me to explore things and listen to myself in situations that I may not have thought to do so before. I have learned that I love to exercise and have a routine, and those things help me to stay balanced.

At first, I was upset that I had this uncontrollable reaction that seemed to pop up out of nowhere at the worst possible times, but over the years, I have found that my anxiety has actually helped me more than it has held me back.